April 10, 2014


ever since i could remember i've always had that hollow ache somewhere in me and i become really upset. i can't begin to describe how horrible the feeling it, because i myself have no idea why i feel like that. i just feel really empty like a part of me is missing even though i know it's not a part of me (as in a significant other gone) missing, it's just this really hollow ache and i cant do anything to get rid of it. i've tried to wreck my brains for that one event that could have happened that could be the reason why i feel like this, but nothing particular happened, and i just can't understand.
i've been really sappy and emotional on twitter recently because i find that's one of the few ways i could actually express myself. well of course, people have been asking what the hell is wrong with me and why am i so upset and "emo". i've tried so many ways, trying to explain from the beginning, but none of the reasons are actually legit and can explain why im so upset. im grateful, very grateful that i have wonderful friends around to ask me if im alright, but sometimes i just want to be left alone.
it's quite funny how everything works in coincidence, i thought being left alone would help better since i didnt have to think about it or try to explain it to anyone. but the moment my music went on shuffle, it played all the emotional and sad songs and it made me cry. so thinking music wasn't my best escape, i went to watch tv, which was showing glee - and how cory was still with them no matter what, and i cried again. so it's like the world is working together to make me this overly emotional mess.
sometimes i wonder if it's because i miss someone, but then i realize i dont miss anyone that i should miss. it's something like im missing someone whom i've just met/ or have never met before. the loneliness kills me and it takes over every bit of me and i cant control it i cant get rid of it, it's just there.
sadness is starting to become my best friend and my companion, and i really hate for that to happen, i dont want to fall down the same trap and walk the same route again. i thought i finally got over that feeling but hey, it hits me right smack in the face again.
i hate feeling so lost and having no idea what to do or how to control myself. i hate being this vulnerable. i hate that i need you. i hate that i need someone to be there telling me that everything will be ok, i hate having to rely on someone. why? because at the end of the day, people wont stay, they'll leave and when they do, who am i gonna rely on? 
it's time i took control of myself, it's time i end this mess.
ok im done and i feel slightly better now that i've blabbered everything out, i hope this feeling doesn't stay here forever.