April 10, 2014


im afraid of getting too attached to someone, because not everyone stays.
ive told myself probably over a hundred times to not get too emotionally attached to people im sure will up and leave but i still get so attached to them. 
it sucks, it really does. 
i wasn't supposed to feel like this, i wasn't even supposed to know your name. you just came in and out of a sudden even though i knew it was a ruse i took the risk and i fell for it. 
it's the second time im doing this to myself, and i should have known better. 
the thing is im vulnerable, i have always been vulnerable and naive and gullible, falling was easy it was way too easy. but uncovering more and more truths just makes me wonder why am i allowing myself to go through so much pain again. im not ready for people to leave the moment they decided they wanna make me fall for some stupid joke, im not ready to say goodbye. it makes me wonder tho, how did i manage to get myself so attached to people who doesn't even realize what they're doing to me. but im human, i have feelings too. i dont wanna be played again, i don't wanna walk this path again. the first time i was warned, but i stupidly took the risk. this time there wasn't a warming, there wasn't a sign, i didnt even know what was going on up till the moment i realize i kept checking to see if you replied and checking to see if you're online, checking to see if you've replied my messages.
you were online but you didn't bother replying, was I such a bore? are you done with your games? it sucks it seriously sucks when things like these happen. and here I am it's 1am and I'm trying to figure out if i should stay up and wait or go to bed. i care so much but do you even realize it. i doubt you do. afterall I was the one who agreed to play your games, I guess I wasn't ready and I wasn't good enough. it's messing my mind up so badly, i don't even know why. the hollow ache i cant describe is back again and it makes me wonder why do i care for people so much, why do i get attached so easily. why can't I be carefree and happy like i used to be. i really truly care and it scares me, it isn't a "oh don't worry im here" -- im literally breaking apart knowing that they're upset and it kills me so badly. I just wanna take away all their pain and insecurity, I wanna show them that they're worth it. 
it's 1am and im an emotional wreck so...........