April 10, 2014


we all have flaws dont we?
i can list a whole long list of flaws i know i have, and it kills me to know that i cant get rid of these.
ive tried so hard to get rid of these flaws so i dont end up feeling vulnerable and hollow and upset at the end of the day but it never works.

1. i get super jealous super easily, i cant even describe how easily i get jealous. and the worst part? i get jealous over people who are not mine, and over the smalllllest issues. and it hurts me like i know that my friends have no idea that im this sensitive, but it hurts because i cant tell them that im jealous because who am i to ruin their happiness right. i get so jealous of people you reply to first, because you obviously thought of them first. i know im not the prettiest, nor the skinniest, nor the one you'll fall heads over heels for. so now you know where i get my insecurities from eh?

2. i get mad sooooooo easily. it's like i have horrible anger management and i swear i need anger management lessons or something. it's so easy for me to get mad at someone or something and it sucks because i cant yell at them - they did nothing wrong, but i get so mad. i wonder though, what would i be if i were to have really horrible anger management (well i could control a little now so that's why you dont see me murdering people everywhere) - would i really end up in a fight with someone? would i really risk everything just to argue with them over something that irritates me. it annoys me so much when people try and force their own opinions down my throat- LIKE NO. im not even gonna start this because i know when people try to annoy me and push me past my limit, i get so angry and it's really not a pretty sight.

3. i get annoyed soooo easily. like i cant even with so many things. like right now, im annoyed that im not typing fast enough and that my computer is lagging on me. it annoys me so much that i get annoyed at things so easily. small issues big issues and i get so annoyed. sometimes i wonder if i could ever be isolated so i dont hurt anyone physically and verbally. it's tough trying to get over being annoyed at the smallest things, im trying but honestly, if you were me and were really attentive to sound and details, you'll understand that it sucks so badly when things go off or when people start screaming at high pitches. you'll literally wanna jump off a cliff.

4. i think negatively all the time. even if it's a positive situation, i'll think of the bad side the negative side. it's like a natural instinct for me, i point out the possible flaws and i make sure people correct it or i correct it. i have to make sure that they know their work isnt perfect. i need to make it so sure that every single flaw i point out is corrected and that the work present is perfect with minimal errors. i dont know how many times i've changed a positive thing to something so negative and so upsetting. it kills me to know people are willing to risk their perfect item without checking or without thinking bout the negatives. well i guess that's why im here- to check on the negatives and to make people rethink everything.

5. i care a lot and i care very easily. even if i barely know your name or who you are, ive already decided i would care for you. that simply makes me really easy to manipulate. people think it's wonderful, having a friends who cares so much that they'll do anything to make sure the friendship stays. sometimes i wonder if it's a flaw to care too much, or if im just helping the people who dont get friends who care as much. but caring that much leads to me being super attached to people, and when i get attached to them emotionally, i feel like i will never wanna lose them. but to them, im just someone to help them pass this dark period, and when theyre back on their feet, they'll leave for someone better, someone that matches them. so i honestly wonder, what am i to people. am i just another friend they turn to when theyre bored, or am i truly a friend they'll look out for?

the list will go on and on and on and it's impossible to finish. my flaws i've placed it crystal clear out, anyone could use them against me, and i honestly hope no one does. it's true that i'll forever care for people unless they've decided to abandon the friendship and move on, then yes, i'll try to move on too. young and dumb, always chasing something........... :-)