by - 12:39 AM

Whenever I'm worried about something (which is almost always), I feel the need and the urge to spill my thoughts out. I always find myself just blurting out my insecurities, my worries, my thoughts, basically anything and everything that's up in my mind. It's like the world (or anyone that's listening) is my therapist. 

But I've realized that no matter how great friends are, they're not going to enjoy listening to me go on and on and on and on about how much I'm worrying about something that has zero likelihood of happening. Spilling my thoughts out to completely random people that I've just met is also a really bad idea. Blurting out my inner thoughts and worries and stuff, definitely a bad idea.

I'm constantly being bombarded with questions like, or rather, facts such as 
"You think too much!" 
"Where's that coming from?" 
"Are you sure it's gonna play out this way? What if this time it's different?"
"You're too sensitive!"
"Chill, you need to stop working your brain over nothing."

So yes, I'm over-thinking. I over-think WAY TOO MUCH. I'm always thinking about the worst case scenarios (Like the ones whereby all my friends leave me to be the pathetic loner that I am). It's not impossible that one day my friends might leave because yknow I'm just too much of a mess for them to handle or tolerate. But for now, I'll like to give them the benefit of doubt that their promises do mean something. AND THERE, I just proved my own point that I think way too much. 

Over-thinking is a silent enemy. It slowly consumes you, even when you have no clue of its existence. With so much negative thoughts up in my mind, it envelops my entire being and some days it just hampers my daily routines. On really bad days, I would have to drag myself out of bed and force food down my throat just so I won't faint while at work. 

These constant and incessant harping of voices and words in my mind consumes every ounce of me, and that's when I become really paranoid. I would end up being so caught up in thinking about all the worst case scenarios that I just won't be able to think about anything else, and it's affecting my life. In a really really negative way.

I need to stop over-thinking, but I don't know how. "Maybe all you need is someone who can help you get your mind off things. To be there to assure you that whatever you are worrying about won't happen." Maybe one day, I'll find someone who would make me feel so safe and secure that all my insecurities would be out the window and my negative thoughts would slowly fade away. But I can't rely on someone to do that for me, right? Because here I go again thinking, what if, WHAT IF that person leaves. What would I do then?

Just for once I would really love to stop these thoughts, to stop over-thinking and over-analyzing every single thing that's happening. Do I have the power to stop? Yes of course I do, everything is happening inside my head. If I tell it to stop, if I block out these thoughts everything would go away. I do have the power to stop. So why can't I?

Recently I realized that a lot of my thoughts stem from a single statement: I don't understand my own feelings. Some days I'm just completely confused at what's going on in my mind and in my heart that I think way too much about it. And the more I think, the weirder my thoughts become. And the cycle continues. I just don't understand what's going on. Friends are telling me that I'm feeling confused because I'm thinking too much, but I feel like I'm thinking too much because I'm confused and I'm trying to figure out why I'm confused. That didn't make any sense at all, did it?

I need to get out of this endless cycle of negative thoughts. I need to put an end to the loop and step out before it consumes me even further. I've been making progress, I think. I hope I have been. After sorting it out with a close friend I realized, I'm honestly just thinking too much. I need to give people the benefit of doubt that they'll stick around long enough. I need to stop being worried that I would wake up one day and find that they no longer reply my messages because of whatever reasons they thought was cool. I need to end all these negative thoughts before I walk down that dark path again. I need to stop.

Well, it's probably time for me to go to bed since I have work tomorrow. Good night. May tomorrow be a better day for anyone and everyone out there. 

with much love, sheryl (ɔ˘ ³(ˆ‿ˆc)

You May Also Like