"I never said I was nice"

By sheryl soe - 1:10 AM

I'm in a dilemma. I'm not sure if I'm too nice or if I'm too mean. A few posts ago I said I was just too nice (because I'm always being bullied into doing things just because I can't say no). But right now I guess I'm a little bit of both? I take that back, I'm not making a wild guess here. I'm stating a fact. Im a bitch. I am probably one of the shittiest bitches out there, the kind that everyone dislikes and hates. 

So reasons why I'm the bitch everyone dislikes/hates? It's easy, really. Didn't have to wreck my brains for an answer because it's just right there- right in my face. I'm a really straightforward person. I speak what's on my mind (well most of the time I accidentally blurt them out) almost always. I offend people with these thoughts of mine when they come out of my mouth. I offend people way too often, and that's probably why everyone calls me the bitch. 

I've realized that being such a straight forward person can make me many enemies, foes, haters but also many friends. Some people need someone who's willing to be the "bitch" to break the new, the harsh truth. I'm not exactly sure if I'm glad that people are counting on me to be that person. Cause after all, sometimes people just don't like hearing the harsh truth. They'd rather not have someone like me, rain on their perfect little parade. I guess everyone has their preferences. 

Being such a bitch (or a straight forward person, not a bitch) often lands me in situations that are horrible. Offending friends and all, you get the drift. So yes, I've offended way too many people in one lifetime, and I'm barely even of a legal age (18). It's funny really, that I'm so affected by the people that I've lost while being so straight forward yet I just don't want to change. I don't want to change just because some people can't handle it when I drop the bomb (harsh truths and stuff). 

MANY people have walked away from me because they're just unable to handle the things that I say. They're unable to accept the fact that I will speak what's on my mind. Of course, I may be too harsh sometimes. But really, I was brought up in an environment that didn't hide or sugarcoat reality. I'm not sure about everyone out there, but personally I would love it if someone were to be straight forward with me. 

I'm not exactly sure how to deal with a lot of the things that have happened recently. I'm still learning like everyone else. I'm learning how to deal with things that go wrong, learning how to make myself a better and a stronger person after everything. Hopefully things will work out soon enough.

I'm stuck between following what I've been taught which is to be nice, or to just simply not say anything at all. Or to be mean, and break the harsh truths. I'm sure everyone would say "no harm keeping your mouth shut if nothing nice comes out of it", but really. I'm a straight forward person. I used to lie and sugarcoat things just so friends would stay and think I'm a super nice person. But over time, they start taking advantage of how nice I am just because I've put up that "nice" image. It's hard tearing that image down, since I'm one that's unable to say no to others easily. So hey, I end up being the really nice person when deep down I'm not. So I'm just acting around, lying that I'm really nice. When really, honestly, I'm one of the biggest bitches you'll ever have the misfortune of meeting. 

It's funny how I still have friends around me. I thought most of them would have left by now (but once again, benefit of doubt). I'm starting to realize that being a bitch has its perks, but also its flaws. It's time I stop being such a straight forward person if I want friendships to last, because not everyone can stand it. I should really start spending more time appreciating what I have too. Here's to any friends of mine who's reading: 
I'm sorry I've offended you. I'm sorry for being the biggest bitch you've ever met. But I truly do love and adore you, for you've stuck by me long enough (longer than most). 

It's time to head to bed now, I've got to go to work tomorrow.

with much love, sheryl (ɔ˘ ³(ˆ‿ˆc)

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