It's probably retarded for me to type this post since I didn't want to rant to much. But I kinda have no choice, I do have a choice, but I just need something for me to blurt all my feelings out. I don't know where to start. I've been bottling up so many feelings that sometimes I have no idea why I'm feeling a certain way. I ant tell my emotions apart, and I dont know what's making me feel like that. I do know, but I just can't separate them. It's like I don't feel happiness anymore. I feel comfort and safety but not happiness. Literally I've forgotten what happiness is. I don't know how it feels like anymore. I'm numb tbh. I used to have him to confide into, and he was the one who gave me happiness. Now that he walked out of my life like that - I don't feel safe I don't feel secure. I'll always have my mind wandering off, feeling ever so insecure. I don't know if this makes sense. But I really cannot stand having people pull me in so many directions. Telling me to do this, do that. I have no choice, so I'll just sit down and bottle up my feelings. I know I wear a smile on my face almost everyday, but do people really buy that smile? They know it's fake, but do they care enough to ask what's wrong, to put in extra effort to sit down and ask me what's wrong. It sounds like I'm demanding a lot. But maybe that's because I've been there for everyone when I see that they're faking smile. I feel so disgusted at myself. I hate human beings, I hate people, I hate myself. I only know that people are really two-faced nowadays so I can't tell them my problems cause they'll probably be like "oh hey she's a bitch" behind my back. So now I rely on myself, I keep things to myself, I bottle it all up.
I miss having you give me advices cause you actually put in effort to listen and think of ways to solve my problems. But now people only copy advices like "don't worry so much la, but happy okay", "everyone also like that". I'm really sick of all those annoying repeated advices. They don't help. Studies, love, family. I have problems, I'm a normal human being. I may have very high tolerance level. But I've hit rock bottom so many damn times I think I'm sick and tired of feeling this way. Studies are slightly improving now, which is good for me. I'm not over him, which sucks. My family is okay right now. Though im getting easily annoyed by my mum. So why am I feeling so shitty every single day? Friends arent always there for me too. Sometimes i have no idea if they're friends or not.
Take it as I'm not complaining, but I'm only 15, all my friends are happy happy now why I am the "mature one" who is /suffering/ from all these stuff? Really why. Im sure there's tons of other people who are feeling the same now. But do we really have to face this alone? I've made up my mind, I'll study hard and I'll ignore the rest. I'll try my best to ignore everything else, after all the only thing that matters now irate results. Focusing on results will help me get my mind off him. Family and friends screw that. I only need those few whom I trust.
Xoxo. Good night. One more week till September holidays! ♥