paranoid

by - 4:46 PM

"Why do you always push the people who care about you away?"

I never really thought of an answer. I would always use the excuse that they'll leave anyways -so it's better that it's sooner than later. After much alone time, I finally got the answer. It's nothing new that I worry and over-think about people leaving me all the time. I make it seem like as if I'm a virus that no one likes to stay near. But recently after a whack back to reality, I realized that it wasn't them who left. I was the one who made them leave. I get confused easily, and especially at the prospects of someone sticking around longer than usual. So when I do get confused, I freak out. I become paranoid. I'm constantly thinking that they would leave any moment, and that I would be alone again. So I shut myself from everyone else on the outside. I push people away, I become a mess. 

I push people away for many reasons. One, it's because I know that I could never care or treat them the same way they treat me. I could never love them the way they want me to, I could never care for them the same way they care for me. It's so unfair for them, to always be caring for me when I can never do the same for them. Maybe it's because I'm too caught up caring for someone else, pinning for someone else- it's an endless cycle. Maybe I just don't see them as anything more than friends, or that maybe I realize that the friendship would never last in the long run. I push people away because they deserve more. They deserve the things I could never give them. So yes, I'd rather be a bitch and push them away now than let them realize months later that this friendship would never work out cause I'm too caught up somewhere else to put in effort to make things work here. 

Two, I get bored easily. It's a stupid thing, really. If the conversations start to become routine and everything starts becoming predictable, I could never stay. I would get bored at the thought that I would wake up and possibly repeat a conversation from yesterday or the day before. Maybe some people are down for that, and they love repeating conversations. But I just can't deal with it. Maybe I'm not putting in enough effort to make the conversation interesting, but isn't it a two-way deal? If you're not putting in effort to make the conversation interesting, what's the point of me staying. Yeah sure, it's stupid and it's a dumb thing to do. Think about it though, would you want to stay with someone who repeats the same replies daily?

I think of everyone like they're a book. I want to read them all over till I memorize every detail about them. And even then, I want to read even more and explore the possibilities. I want to read between the lines and find out more. I want to be like the Harry Potter fandom, still figuring things out about Harry Potter even after years of watching the movie and reading the book. I want to be enticed into reading and reading, and knowing everything about the book (aka the person). A boring book would only make me do one thing, leave it back on the shelf. 

Sorry if these words were to harsh for you. Sorry if I seem mean for ditchin' our friendship. Sorry for not being a worthy friend, for I could never give back half as much as you gave me. Sorry for all the times you lost trying to save a lost cause, sorry for all the times you lost caring for me. I would care for you too, if I could, but maybe I was just too busy and caught up with something else to realize how much of a great friend you were. 

with much love, sheryl (ɔ˘ ³(ˆ‿ˆc)

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