July 3, 2015

you deserve better

It's sad how the person who makes me so ridiculously happy is the same person who's unable to feel what "happiness" is. It's sad how the person who brings me so much joy, has completely no idea what it feels like to be happy or anything related. It's sad that such a special person like you, has no clue at all how much you mean to me. It's sad because for someone who brings me so much joy, you deserve to be happy too. You deserve more than what you're given. You deserve to feel happy. You deserve to feel the rush of being happy, you deserve to feel what you make me feel. 

You think you don't deserve it at all. You think that any ounce of love that you're showered with, is wrong. You don't believe that anyone could ever care for you, much less love you. Why? What made you this way? Who made you this way? It makes me wonder why would anyone this special have to go through what you went through. Why did you have to go through all of that. You didn't have to, you shouldn't have to. But then again, if you never went through what you went through, would you still be the same person you are now? Or would you be different. Would the difference change how much you mean to me? Would the difference lead to us not even talking to each other?

Somehow I want to thank whatever or whoever made you this way. Because everything happens for a reason. You're here with me now, because of whatever happened then. But at the same time, every inch of me hates what has happened to you, even though I have no clue what truly happened. I hate that it happened. I hate that it took away what could possibly be. I hate that you're "numb" to "happiness". Because you don't deserve it at all. You don't deserve to have to wake up each day, with nothing to look forward to. You don't deserve to feel like no one will ever love you, or care for you. 

You deserve so much more, you deserve so much better. 

I want to show you how special you are. I want to show you that there's so much out there worth living for. I want to show you who you are to me, through my eyes. I want to heal you. I want to make your scars something that doesn't haunt you anymore. I want you to fall in love with yourself, the same way I have. I want all of these, because you deserve it. You deserve to be treated the way someone special is meant to be treated. I want to do all that for you, to show you everything. Sadly, I can't. I'm struggling on my own. I'm struggling, and maybe I'm making things worse for you. You should be surrounded by positive things, not toxic things like me. But I can't seem to let you go. Hah, it's not that I can't, but rather- I don't want to let you go. I'm getting better, because of you. It's not fair that it's getting better for me, but not for you. You deserve it more than I do. You deserve it so so much more.

Maybe one day I'll have the courage to ask you what happened. Maybe one day you'll trust me enough to show me your scars and let me heal you. Maybe one day, we might heal each other. Maybe one day, if not me, you'll let someone else heal you and turn your scars into nothing. Maybe one day you'll realize that you are worth every single ounce, and more, of love and care. Maybe.

You, my dear, you deserve the world. 

with much love, sheryl (ɔ˘ ³(ˆ‿ˆc)