September 13, 2012

I just need someone.

I often wonder why I end up with false friends on such a regular basis. I’m a tiny invisible person with little self esteem that is eager to please whoever is willing to be her friend, who is loyal to them even when they bitch and betray. Who doesn’t want to have a friend who’s easy to manipulate into doing their bidding? Who doesn’t want a loyal fan that asks nothing in return? Are those why people decide to keep me as a friend, or should i say use me.

Is it because of my personality? Maybe it is. Yes, it is. My stupid personality, my stupid self. When i show my true self, people start pointing out my flaws. Do you know how much it hurts when people talk about you behind you back and leave you defenseless and alone. When I show a fake "flawless" side, people say I'm too fake and plastic. They're never satisfied. Bitching never ends. It never stops. Even if you did nothing wrong, they'll find ways to make it your fault. They'll make it your fault and just hate you for nothing. They hate and they bitch. That's all they ever do. All those bad experiences have made me very cautious and reserved. Honestly, I prefer not to show how vulnerable I am when being close to friends. But it's inevitable. They'll end up targeting my weakness and they'll prey my vulnerabilities. I ever wondered: "Why bother trying to make friends with people who would take backstabbing you as a hobby, right?" But in this society, it sucks to have no true friends. I want true friends, but I don't want to be hurt.

When people approach me to be friends, it's always because they want something. And it always ends with me being used and them having all the advantages. Many just judge me from what their friends have said. There's way too many times for me to even count. //I did nothing wrong, they hate me, they spread the hate, I cry myself to sleep at night, I'm an attention whore.// that's the cycle, a cycle that never ends.
I feel that only by hiding myself away and creating an alternate self saves me. It may be stupid, but it's the only way that keeps me safe from all those bad friendships and memories. I don’t have many friends to begin with, so I try to fight for a friendship that has never even been one.