I'm still living in the shadows of times when I was being told I wasn’t good enough, crying myself to sleep, not eating, hating myself and going through the complete hell.
I seriously don’t know how to feel happiness anymore. I’m so hurt that doing this now just makes me miserable, this isn’t at all what I want and I hate lying to myself. I hate myself for being so vulnerable, for causing all the scars. I hate myself so much. I can't even feel happiness now, it's like a pill I take in the morning to lie to everyone, to lie to myself. How much longer must I heal before I become truly happy again. I used to be able to be truly happy when you were by my side, everything just instantly became better. You left like that, and you took away my world. It wasn't that easy to move on. And ever since then I've never been able to truly be happy. What am I doing with my life.
I want to smile when I wake up in the morning.
I want to smile when I see you again.
I want to smile and mean it.
I want to smile.