December 14, 2014

it'll never be the same

Credit | Source

17 days to 2015.
11 days to Christmas.
7 days away from my holidays.

I've been counting down the moment December started. Waiting for the day I submitted my "final" assignment (before the holidays), waiting for Christmas, waiting for the day I finally get to meet my dear friend, waiting for my short getaway to Malaysia, waiting for the new year- waiting waiting waiting.

Playing the waiting game sure is tiring. Constantly looking forward to the weekends so that it's one less weekend away from Christmas- then realizing I have yet to buy presents for everyone. Maybe wanting Christmas to come by quicker wasn't that great an idea.

Christmas is the season to give and to love, (well that's to me- to you I'm not sure). The decorations along Orchard has never failed to impress and it would usually be one of the things I look forward to during the Christmas season. And being able to finally meet up with friends and family over this holiday season- I CAN'T WAIT

Although I'm super stoked for the Christmas season, I truly dread it now because it'll be the first Christmas in 9 years without him. If you were following me on Instagram (link at the side), you'll realize that my first pet- Cookies, left me. He left at the end of November and that would make 2014 the first year in 9 long years that I would not have him by my side while I'm celebrating Christmas.

Not seeing him when I come home from school sucks. Not being able to hold him and cry when I'm stressed up sucks. Not being able to say I love you before I go to school sucks. Not being able to tease him with treats hanging from a height he can't reach sucks. Honestly, IT SUCKS.

Everyone keeps telling me that he has led a long ripe life, and I should be happy for him. But I don't feel the same. I don't feel the same at all. I regret so many things- like not cleaning him up the moment I got home the day he died, like not spending more time with him even when I wasn't busy. I kept telling myself "Oh, I was busy with assignments blah blah", but no. I didn't even take out an hour of my time daily to play with him during his last few days.

IT SUCKS knowing that I could have done more. I could have been with him before he left, but I chose to be on Twitter and Tumblr instead. This is definitely something that would haunt me and my conscience for the rest of my life. I could have done so much more. BUT I DIDN'T.

I hope he rests well. I hope he likes his new home, (like my aunt said- pets have a special special place to be in after they leave). I hope with all my heart and soul that he doesn't hate me for not being the best owner. I hope with every single fibre in me that he did live a life without regrets unlike I have. I hope with every single heart beat of mine that this Christmas wouldn't be that painful.

Honey, if you miraculously can read this;

Mumma is sorry. Sorry for all the time she never spent with you. Sorry for every single thing she has done wrong. Sorry she never placed you first. Sorry she was so selfish and wanted to go on social media sites instead of play with you. Sorry she regretted never taking even better care of you. Sorry for everything my dear.

My dear boy, this first Christmas without you would suck so bad. Even while I'm typing this I'm crying buckets and I can barely see what I'm typing. Everything seems weird without you. It's been only 3 weeks and I'm missing you so so much. I don't know how anyone, much less a rabbit affect me this much. I have never cried as much or as easily before and gosh I MISS YOU.

I will continue to love you for the rest of my life. You'll always always always be my first pet, my first love, my forever. Don't you worry bun, I will take good care of the rest for you. You'll never be replaced- ever.

Rest In Peace my honey bun. Mumma really really really really misses you a lot.

My original plan was to talk about how time flies and how Christmas is nearing. But thinking about Christmas reminds me of how I'll be spending it without him this year. Gosh the pain is unbelievable- I swear. Maybe I'll blog about how time flies again tomorrow or when I'm free. Meanwhile, it's 11:29PM. I should probably head to bed since I have class tomorrow.

Good night loves.

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