day 27

by - 12:50 PM

It's only day 27 and I have failed. I have failed almost every promise I have made to myself at the start of 2015/end of 2014. I promised myself that 2015 would be a better year for me, and a more positive one too. I really wanted to make this year a good one. Oh boy, I've tried to find the little, small things that make life better. It's really quite ironic that my last post was about how despite all the stress, I would still be a positive person - but here I am going on about how I've failed my goal.

I broke down last night and cried for the first time this year. I cried so much last night (it's probably considered this morning since it happened at 1am) and it was over something that people would probably think is trivia and insignificant.

friendships

"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born." 

Every single time you meet someone, they bring about something completely new. It could be new experiences, emotions, thoughts or even feelings. It's an adventure that you embark with someone. It sounds weird, but every friend you meet along the way changes the world you live in. They open doors you wouldn't have opened if they weren't there. Friends are possibly the best things in the world, having someone to shower with love and care. Having someone whom you know would be there for you no matter what. I feel safe and secure when I'm around my friends, because I know they would never let anything bad happen to me/us. It takes a lot of guts to trust people that much, but it is worth it. It is worth it because the things you gain back in return from friends are priceless

So here's where my problems come in. Here's where my nightmares haunt me every single day of my life. Friendships are supposed to bring about the best in you, they're supposed to make you filled to the brim with happiness and joy. But why is it that friendships are making me feel so insecure and so vulnerable. But don't get me wrong! My friends have brought me so much joy, happiness and they have opened up many new doors for me to explore. I just feel insecure about one thing - CHANGE

Change is a scary thing, it really is. I love change because it brings me to new places and I love exploring new things. But with every yin, there'll be a yang and I'm afraid of change taking away the people I adore so much. Change is inevitable. Nothing stays still. Life is in constant motion, everything is constantly changing. So why is it that I am so afraid of change? Why is change the source of so much of my fears and negativity, or even unhappiness? Dealing with changes was never quite my forte. But we all know that being able to deal with changes is what helps us to be happy. 

I am a person who is horribly reliant on people, I'm dependent on them as the constant in life. I need a constant in life to help me through everyday. That one single constant is there to help me feel safe ans secured. I need someone who would always be the constant and the anchor in my life. But since change is inevitable, I'm worried sick that one day I would wake up and realize that the people I adore and treasure so dearly would be gone. Although I'm pretty sure if I were to be stuck with the same constants as when I was in primary school I would have driven myself mad. Ironic isn't it? One moment I'm wishing that things stay the same and that the friends I have now would still be friends with me 6 years from now, but the next I'm wishing that things would change for I want adventure.

It worries me that I can't decide what I want too. Trust me, it's driving me completely insane. But truth be told, I want things to change. I want everything to change, but I also want my friends to stay. Is it possible? I'm not sure. Can I move to different places and still pray that my friends are still my friends? I'm working on it now, working on building stronger friendships with people so that even if things change - I would still have them as the basic constants in life. It's going to be a long ride, and I will pour my heart and soul into friendships. It'll be risky, but since when was life not about risks. 

Yesterday's boohoos allowed me to look at things differently. I was able to look at everything and wonder is this what I really want? Do I want many friends that I can't count on? Or do I want to pour my everything into friendships I know I want my children to admire even when I'm 43. It also taught me one very very important thing- to be grateful

I'm beyond grateful for Michelle, for she is the one constant I have been relying on ever since I entered secondary school. Without her around, I really can't imagine where I would be. I guess it's I achieved something for 2015, being grateful. I could go on forever about how I'm thankful that she's in my life. But let's just keep that for another day.

Here's another promise I made myself after whatever happened yesterday: I'm going to start treasuring my friends ten thousand times more. They may walk away tomorrow, but that should never stop me from treasuring and appreciating them. I'm determined to never let anything stop me from showering them with the love and care they deserve. I may have failed in being positive this time round, but I've learnt much more. I will shower them with tons of positive vibes, even if it means getting nothing back in return. But the most important thing I've learnt is that I will embrace change with my warm hugs and look at everything with a different perspective now. 

for giving will always be better than receiving


with much love, sheryl (ɔ˘ ³(ˆ‿ˆc)

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